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If you’ve followed my recent blog post, you’ll know that Vin and I eloped to Gibraltar. The decision to have our wedding there was mostly because we couldn’t get married, sans headaches, in Denmark, or even here in Ireland.

We would have gotten hitched in NY, or even Rhode Island, as the processes in those two places are as painless as drinking a glass of water, but the flights were too long, and my darling isn’t the keenest of flyers. Oh, and since our dates were going to be the week of Independence Day, the courts were either closed or completely busy the days leading up to and after, so that was a no-go.

Thus, we did what any couple who lives in Europe and wants to just elope would do: we got hitched in Gibraltar. But here are our reasons why we chose Gibraltar and not Denmark.

Reason 1: The Danish rules for marrying are as innocuous as they could possibly be

Maybe it’s their proximity to Germany. Maybe it’s the cold weather. I’ve got no clue what the reasons are. All I know is, is that the Danes pretty much run one of the most bureaucratic systems, when trying to get married, that I’ve ever witnessed.

From the fact that we had to send our money in before they could magically read, previously “unreadable” documents, to the fact that we’d have to produce a document stating that both of us were “free to marry” (something that the American government has said, “yeah, we don’t produce that.”); the Kingdom of Denmark is all kinds of long and arduous processes that will leave you wondering “WTAF?!”

Since neither of us had ever been married and because the US government doesn’t supply it, a representative that I spoke to over the phone said that we wouldn’t need the freedom to marry certificate. However, this was followed by a woman telling us that we would need it and to send our money to her, and only in about 1 and 50 cases there’s a problem. That statistic seemed like a lot, considering we’d be taking off days from work and purchasing airline tickets.

This, obviv-viously, is the major reason why Denmark is definitely not in any way shape or form similar to Vegas. Vegas is the place where you could get married on the same day as applying for your wedding license and even be married by a Michael Jackson impersonator, and have his pet rat, Ben, as one of your witnesses.

Reason 2: Roughly about, let me count it, one, two, three days of sun throughout the entire year.

I used to say, and I still say it honestly, “It’s not the weather that bothers me, it’s the people and if the people are crap, then it could be sunny year round and I’d still not like it.”  This is what I say to people that ask me how I feel about Irish weather. I, of course, love Ireland because the people are so wonderful and welcoming.

It’s not to say that the Danes aren’t, but let’s just say the few that I have met, have left me with the feeling that I’d be both bothered by the weather and the cold exterior of the population.

Now we all know the weather in Vegas is hot as hades, and no one, including this humble blog writer would ever suggest that a place needed to be a desert, but let’s at least have it over 13ºC (55ºF) on your wedding day.  Unless, of course, you prefer kissing blue lips.

Reason 3: Why go to Denmark, when you could just as easily head to Gibraltar, Cyprus, New York, (the actual) Vegas, St. Lucia, New Zealand, Florida, and pretty much 5 other cooler places

Why choose Denmark when there are so many more places to go to get hitched, that are quicker, where there’s less risk of a paper cut from all the random @rse papers (“RAP”) you’ll have to shuffle around, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera?

So save yourself the headache and just listen to this, very detailed, yelp-like review of getting married in Denmark. Give getting married in Denmark the old (or toddler inspired) jazz hands with the appropriate “no.”

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